Ok, I know I took a little hiatus from my posts. I’ve been trying to figure out how to tell the last part of the story. I promise, this is the last post for April 2012.
After my friend and I spent several minutes squinting at the ultrasound screen, trying to look for that little blip that would indicate a life form, and finding ourselves unsuccessful, I went back to finish my shift. Believe me, I spent most of that night shift distracted by what was going on in my nether region. The pieces of the puzzle were falling into place, but I wasn’t ready to accept the big picture.
My birthday falls at the end of April. On the day of my birthday, my husband had planned dinner for the two of us at a great Chicago restaurant, knowing that I’m a foodie. We got dressed up and went out for our “date”. I started to feel a little uncomfortable, a strange heaviness in my pelvis. Maybe this was a new, I-need-to-pee sensation in pregnancy, so I excused myself and went to the ladies room. As soon as I sat down on the toilet, I looked down to find a dark, brown spot on my underwear. WTF??!! I went a little numb. My mind tried to make sense of what I was seeing and tried to come up with a reasonable explanation that would not include the terrible thing I was worried about, the worst case scenario. This was my fucking birthday! How could this brown spot show up to ruin it??!!
I did what any rational woman would do…I decided to ignore it. Maybe it would just go away. I went back to the table, smiled at my husband as I sat down, and resumed our dinner. He can read me like a book, and at one point asked me if something was wrong. I just shook my head, determined to have a good time, dammit.
Shockingly, the spot did not go away and only continued to get worse. Very slowly, at first. I told myself not to panic as I went to bed that night and decided to deal with the situation in the morning. Somehow, I fell asleep that night. In the morning, reality really began to set in. I had to deal with the situation at hand because it was not going away and was most likely going to get worse. So, I decided to call my Ob. I had barely established care with them; my first appointment would not have been for another week or two. The woman on the phone was very polite and asked me a few questions about the bleeding and then directed me to the nurse practitioner (NP). The NP was also very polite but the tone of her voice made it sound like this was all very routine and not a big deal. My irritation only grew when she directed me to go to the E.R. instead of having me come into the office. They couldn’t possibly fit me in that day but she was sure the E.R. would be able to check me out. Right. Like I have 8 hours to waste sitting in a waiting room. I know what E.R.’s are for – EMERGENCIES. I wasn’t having a life ending emergency. I was just on the verge of having a panic attack because I didn’t know what was happening. How was going to the cold, clinical environment of an E.R. going to make that better?
After mulling over my options (there really weren’t that many), I headed to the E.R., where I was eventually whisked off for an ultrasound. I stared at the screen as the ultrasound tech moved the probe around. The space that was supposed to be nice and round with an embryo inside was empty and looked like a sac that was about to collapse on itself. It looked like a uterus that had given up. To see it on the big screen was so final, and left no doubt in my mind that I was having a miscarriage. Had anything even existed inside of me? Had I even managed to start life within me, or had the egg gone AWOL right from the get go? Why had I even been given this false hope? How long had I been walking around thinking that I was pregnant (fantasizing about, planning for it, talking about it) when, in fact, I actually wasn’t?
It was this last question that bothered me the most. My uterus had deceived me. How could I ever trust it again?