Archives For Author S

Well officially worst bloggers ever – we haven’t posted a thing for oh I don’t know… weeks to be kind.  But then I saw this and had to share.  How appropriate that something that sounds so painful could be added to the already torturous IVF process.  Sigh.

Endometrial Scratching and IVF

A more personal blog to come soon, promise.

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Heart Healthy IVF drugs… sort of

Outside of having the “proper equipment” for babymaking, the other key ingredient to trying to conceive is the obvious…S.E.X. and it’s many synonyms:  Intercourse. Doing the deed. Bumping uglies. Putting some beef in the taco.

Whatever you choose to call it, unless you end up going down the medically-assisted route, this is your only other option to getting knocked up.

So, after months and months of trying to conceive, sometimes it takes a little motivation and inspiration to keep the love alive. No longer does playing footsy during a football game turn into a romp on the couch. Gone are the days when grinding on the dance floor of a club causes you both to rush home to get it on. Well…there might still be a little grinding on the dance floor. But spontaneous sex? Well in the days of babymaking – “spontaneous” requires work and preparation – Setting the mood. Cajoling with dinner. Enticing with some cute undies.

Why all this effort? Because the thing that we are all really trying to achieve is that elusive, plus sign on the pee stick.

Over the many months of trying, Authors S&M and their respective spouses have come up with interesting ways to “keep the love alive”.

1. Author M: Lingerie vs Jerseys (aka, How to convince your husband you’re sexier in sweats)

Because my bedroom attire is flannel pajamas, we negotiated that I buy a pair of sweatpants of my husband’s favorite football team with matching t-shirt.  They ran out of my size so yes – they were both TWO sizes TOO big for me. Whether or not he liked it, this is was the best he was gonna get.  The lingerie to this day continues to collect dust.

2. Author S: “Dance” lessons

Nope, not talking about the Waltz or Bhangra. Not even Salsa or the very sexy Bachata. Somehow I got roped into joining a group of my girlfriends for a striptease class at the local “gym”. It all seemed like good old fashioned clean fun with my friends until the statuesque and very stripper-looking instructor walked in. At one point, I was practically making out with the chair I was using as a prop. How did it go when I pulled out those moves for hubby one night? Picture me accidentally kicking him in the face as I tried to swing my legs around in a “sexy” move.
Clearly, I should leave dancing to the pros.

3. Author M: Booze.

A booze induced altered state of mind is the best aphrodiasic!  CAUTION:  This is a fine science and may backfire especially when you’re the only one drinking (excessively) and your husband comes home to a stinky uncoordinated mess.  Moderation alone and excessiveness together is the key.

4. Author S: Speeches

My husband has a special way of sending off his swimmers into the dark recesses of my uterus. He offers them a speech:

“Men! You will be launching the largest aerial battle in this history of mankind. Mankind — that word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can’t be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. And we will not go quietly into the night!”

Sound vaguely familiar? Think Will Smith and Bill Pullman movie from 1990s. Or, if you know this speech all too well because you ALSO have to hear it around the same time every month, my heart goes out to you.

5. Author M: The Forbidden Fruit

Pretend you’re sleeping, it works every time. 

6. Author S: Game of Thrones

Have you noticed how some of these HBO and Showtime shows are practically like watching porn?! Gone are the days when I have to agree to watch sports so we can cuddle up on the couch. Nothing like watching rampaging half naked men in loin cloths wreak havoc amongst poor village folk to get us in the mood!

So there you have it!!!  If you haven’t found something that works for you now you have some additional ideas to work on 🙂

Till next time!

Love Authors S&M

High Protein – get skinny and get baby? Yes please!

Go Blackhawks!

CONGRATULATIONS TO THE CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS!!   Can anyone say parade?  

Love Author S&M

I’m sure Author S is asleep but I just got home late from work to some celebrity”news”… I almost want to call her and wake her up to get the reaction.  if you’ve been reading our blog you know Author S gets borderline psychopathic when she hears about stupid celebrity baby names.

Please refer to one of our first blogs from Author S:  https://misadventuresinbabymaking.wordpress.com/2013/05/03/celebrities-annoy-me/
Only other thing that makes her blood boil more is silly Kardashian-isms. Well – apparently KimK and Kanye haved named their child and I think this might be the thing that finally throws her over the edge.
KimK and Kanye’s child’s name is… (drumroll please….)

 

NORTH.   As in NORTH WEST.  That’s a direction.

http://www.eonline.com/news/430380/kim-kardashian-and-kanye-west-daughter-s-name-revealed-north-west-they-will-call-her-nori

WHAT!!!??! Does anyone know the combined IQ of these two (who are now parents before I am btw)?  I can’t give my future kid a stupid name because I can’t afford rehab and therapy like KimK and KW can.  But if they ever lose their fame this kid is in a world of hurt in high school.

All I know is I could have thought of a million better names.  Even fusion names such as Kimye, Kanberly, Kanki, Kiye or Kakye would have been better.

Oh man wait till Author S hears about this.  She’s gonna throw a tantrum.  I can’t wait!!!!  (Insert evil laugh here).

Love Author M

Ok, I know I took a little hiatus from my posts. I’ve been trying to figure out how to tell the last part of the story. I promise, this is the last post for April 2012.

After my friend and I spent several minutes squinting at the ultrasound screen, trying to look for that little blip that would indicate a life form, and finding ourselves unsuccessful, I went back to finish my shift. Believe me, I spent most of that night shift distracted by what was going on in my nether region. The pieces of the puzzle were falling into place, but I wasn’t ready to accept the big picture.

My birthday falls at the end of April. On the day of my birthday, my husband had planned dinner for the two of us at a great Chicago restaurant, knowing that I’m a foodie. We got dressed up and went out for our “date”. I started to feel a little uncomfortable, a strange heaviness in my pelvis. Maybe this was a new, I-need-to-pee sensation in pregnancy, so I excused myself and went to the ladies room. As soon as I sat down on the toilet, I looked down to find a dark, brown spot on my underwear. WTF??!! I went a little numb. My mind tried to make sense of what I was seeing and tried to come up with a reasonable explanation that would not include the terrible thing I was worried about, the worst case scenario. This was my fucking birthday! How could this brown spot show up to ruin it??!!

I did what any rational woman would do…I decided to ignore it. Maybe it would just go away. I went back to the table, smiled at my husband as I sat down, and resumed our dinner. He can read me like a book, and at one point asked me if something was wrong. I just shook my head, determined to have a good time, dammit.

Shockingly, the spot did not go away and only continued to get worse. Very slowly, at first. I told myself not to panic as I went to bed that night and decided to deal with the situation in the morning. Somehow, I fell asleep that night. In the morning, reality really began to set in. I had to deal with the situation at hand because it was not going away and was most likely going to get worse. So, I decided to call my Ob. I had barely established care with them; my first appointment would not have been for another week or two. The woman on the phone was very polite and asked me a few questions about the bleeding and then directed me to the nurse practitioner (NP). The NP was also very polite but the tone of her voice made it sound like this was all very routine and not a big deal. My irritation only grew when she directed me to go to the E.R. instead of having me come into the office. They couldn’t possibly fit me in that day but she was sure the E.R. would be able to check me out. Right. Like I have 8 hours to waste sitting in a waiting room. I know what E.R.’s are for – EMERGENCIES. I wasn’t having a life ending emergency. I was just on the verge of having a panic attack because I didn’t know what was happening. How was going to the cold, clinical environment of an E.R. going to make that better?

After mulling over my options (there really weren’t that many), I headed to the E.R., where I was eventually whisked off for an ultrasound. I stared at the screen as the ultrasound tech moved the probe around. The space that was supposed to be nice and round with an embryo inside was empty and looked like a sac that was about to collapse on itself. It looked like a uterus that had given up. To see it on the big screen was so final, and left no doubt in my mind that I was having a miscarriage. Had anything even existed inside of me? Had I even managed to start life within me, or had the egg gone AWOL right from the get go? Why had I even been given this false hope? How long had I been walking around thinking that I was pregnant (fantasizing about, planning for it, talking about it) when, in fact, I actually wasn’t?

It was this last question that bothered me the most. My uterus had deceived me. How could I ever trust it again?

Author S

Fathers/Dads/Pops

June 16, 2013 — 2 Comments

Happy Father’s Day to every Dad, Dad-to-be and Wannabe-a-Dad-someday!!!  We talk so much about our uteri gotta give it up for the manparts every once in awhile 🙂

Love Author S&M

OH COME ON!!!! Didn’t know you were pregnant until jogging made your baby fall out???

Here’s the disclaimer for this post:  We really do love our mothers.  And one day we hope to be as wonderful and annoying to our children as they are to us.

Growing up, we were clueless so we looked up to our mothers for comfort and advice.  Somehow, mom always knew what to say to set things right. And if she didn’t have the right words, she would inevitably offer food as a means of comfort.  Later on as teenagers, we continued to listen to our moms, perhaps partially out of habit, even though we didn’t always like what they had to say.  Still they were often right when our juvenile emotions led to stupidity.

Then – you get older and you grow a brain and start to think for yourself.  Suddenly, Mommy’s words of wisdom are sometimes not as “Money” as they used to be.  You realize although she was the master of life advice when you were 10, some of the pearls now offered are a little out of date.  In addition you realize much of her advice is not quite based on scientific fact and be may coming from an alternate universe (or from early onset dementia).  This realization is further amplified when you grow up to be a doctor and your mother tries to give you medical advice that she swears is the cure for all your body’s problems.

But nonetheless we are good daughters and listen to Mommy’s advice over the phone, and offer our “Yes you’re Right”‘s and “Uh-huh”‘s to them, all the while practicing our eye rolls and make finger guns to our heads on the other end of the line.

Our Mother’s combined have offered us much advice on what we can do to create a fetus or why it’s taking too long to create a fetus.  We’ve decided to share this wealth of advice to all of you so may also employ it in your quest for mommyhood.  And if you’re not trying to be a mommy then share it with your friends who are. Or just share it because it’s hilarity.  These tidbits of love from our Mothers will be read much more enjoyably if you read the below mother statements with an Indian accent…

“This is because you do all that crazy exercising”  (You mean the 20 minutes I do on level 1 on the elliptical is killing my eggs?  Yes I better stop because I hear obesity is good for fertility)

“This is because you don’t take it easy.  You don’t have to go out with your friends for dinner you can stay home and rest”  (Yes, you’re right.  Getting in my car, walking into a restaurant, sitting on my ass and stuffing my face is probably a lot of stress on my uterus). 

“This is because you do all that dieting you should eat more”  (But wait then shouldn’t I go out to dinner with my friends more and eat shitty food?  This is confusing)

“This is because you do too much heavy lifting.  You should stop vacuuming”  (Ummm, ok thanks good idea.  I’ll send you the bill for the cleaning lady)

“Are you sure that the dog isn’t preventing you from getting pregnant.” (Yes the dog must be kicking me in the uterus while I’m not looking.  Better drop him off at the humane society stat.)

“You just need to relax and let it happen”.  (There’s that word again – relax.  YOU RELAX DAMNIT!! )

“You need to stop obsessing about getting pregnant then it will happen”  (But you’ve only been asking for a grandchild since the first day I got married!  You’ve planted the seeds of my obsession!)

“If you do this prayer and do this ceremony then it will happen” (Maybe… but first I gotta find a temple.  Can’t you do it for me Mommy?  And while you’re at it make me some Indian food?  Please?). 

“Next time you need a procedure I’m going to come to the Doctor’s office and I want to talk to him.  And then you have to rest I’m going to stay with you for a week or you come home to our place for a week.”  (OMG NO.  You just told me to relax – this would not happen with this plan. That and I think my doctor will hate me for being trapped in a room with my Mommy answering an hour’s worth of questions I already know the answer to).

God bless our Moms they are so sweet for caring about our uteri.  We love them dearly.  But we’re gonna leave the babymaking and pregnancy advice to our Doctors and the all knowledgeable Google.

Till next time!

Love Authors S & M