Archives For pregnancy

A Hollywood Bday

December 10, 2013 — 1 Comment

A couple days ago I celebrated a birthday – yay for me!  But then I thought to myself:  Where the hell did the year go?  Oh Ya!  Then I remembered… the year was spend in Doctor’s offices, laying on cold tables, getting stuck with needles, exposing my nether parts and under sedation.  This could sound very depressing to some people but I’ve decided that it sounds more like the lifestyle of a pretty hot Hollywood party girl.  So I didn’t spend my year drudging through IVF – I spend it basking in the lifestyle of the rich and famous 🙂

How’s that for looking on the brightside?

Love Author M



October 19, 2013 — 1 Comment

I heard an interesting story the other day.  A friend of mine found out she was pregnant, without much trying even though she is in her mid 30s.  Of course she is relieved and ecstatic that it happened this way – she has numerous friends who have not had it as easy.  Although 99% of people she told were thrilled for her, others decided to give their unsolicited “advice” instead of their congratulations.  One person told her that she should be careful, now she was going to lose a lot of friends because they would be mad and jealous that she got pregnant easily.  Apparently that person had lost some friends that way so assumed my friend would suffer the same fate.  When she announced she was having a boy, another person told her to be careful because people want boys and would be jealous of her fortune.

Here’s what I say:  these people offering her these myths should be careful because they’ve got crappy friends.  As a person who has suffered through the fun of infertility can I say I’m allowed to be jealous?  Absolutely.  Should I say that I have every right to be envious?  Hell yes.  How about that I wish it would have happened that way for me?  Of course!  But she is my friend and has been my friend for years.  So you know what? I am thrilled for her because I don’t wish the journey of infertility treatments on anyone!  I am happy that she was spared and has gotten her miracle.  Of course I joke about my wrath and green eyed thoughts but at the end of the day – that IVF shit sucks, but I can take it so better you not deal with it too if you don’t have to.

Jealousy, envy – they are allowed.  However throwing voodoo thoughts someone’s ways are not going to help me in any way.

That’s my blog post – first one in a million weeks.

Love Author M  

Yes I know… it’s been a while.  But we are finally back after a crazy few weeks.  Thought I’d kick it off by getting back to my timeline….

The only reality show I will indulge in is the Kardashians – this is my dirty little secret.   The show is like a train wreck you can’t look away from.  Last fall, I found myself catching up on an episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians where I learned with America that Khloe Kardashian’s hormone levels were off and consequently she didn’t ovulate every month.  For a moment, I felt bad for Khloe.  Poor Khloe – she had to get poked and prodded and got stuck with needles.  But then during a commercial break I changed my mind.  Ok you don’t ovulate you rich bitch – so pay a doctor to fix you because if anyone in America can afford it you can.  In fact, Khloe could probably afford to buy a brand new uterus and ovaries if the stuff she’s got didn’t function the way she pleased.   I stopped feeling bad for her at that moment.

About a month after I watched that riveting episode, I got a call from the nurse at my OB’s office to “discuss my results”.  We had been trying for almost 6 months, my had drawn some blood work to check my hormone levels.  Apparently my progesterone levels were “on the low side”.  What that meant I didn’t know.  As an ER doctor I stopped caring about hormones the minute I finished medical school.  She proceeded to explain that generally during ovulation my progesterone levels should rise.  At the level they measured it was not at all clear whether I was ovulating every month.

She then proceeded to refer me to her partner who specialized in “reproductive medicine”.  You mean a lady doctor who helps the childless to become un-barren?  This I hadn’t expected.   When I had initially decided to get a check up, part of me had convinced myself everything would be normal and we would sit around and all throw our heads back and laugh that I had been dramatic as usual and had overreacted.  And then I would get pregnant shortly thereafter and feel silly that I had gotten the blood work done in the first place.

The episode came on as a rerun.  Suddenly I started feeling bad for Khloe again.  She and I were bound by a common thread – our dysfunctional ability to ovulate.  We were kindred spirits.  Watching this the second time, I cried as she got her ultrasounds, as she bared her soul for the camera talking about the tragedy of her broken ovaries.  The heartbreak when she told Lamar about her fucked up hormones.  I thought – I am with you Khloe.  I get you.  We should be friends and talk about this as we sip champagne and you buy me new Gucci shoes.  Me and Khloe – BFFs.

I had a Kardashian connection.

Love Author M

High Protein – get skinny and get baby? Yes please!

Author M: There go my chances for breakfast, lunch and dinner in bed

I’m sure Author S is asleep but I just got home late from work to some celebrity”news”… I almost want to call her and wake her up to get the reaction.  if you’ve been reading our blog you know Author S gets borderline psychopathic when she hears about stupid celebrity baby names.

Please refer to one of our first blogs from Author S:
Only other thing that makes her blood boil more is silly Kardashian-isms. Well – apparently KimK and Kanye haved named their child and I think this might be the thing that finally throws her over the edge.
KimK and Kanye’s child’s name is… (drumroll please….)


NORTH.   As in NORTH WEST.  That’s a direction.

WHAT!!!??! Does anyone know the combined IQ of these two (who are now parents before I am btw)?  I can’t give my future kid a stupid name because I can’t afford rehab and therapy like KimK and KW can.  But if they ever lose their fame this kid is in a world of hurt in high school.

All I know is I could have thought of a million better names.  Even fusion names such as Kimye, Kanberly, Kanki, Kiye or Kakye would have been better.

Oh man wait till Author S hears about this.  She’s gonna throw a tantrum.  I can’t wait!!!!  (Insert evil laugh here).

Love Author M

OH COME ON!!!! Didn’t know you were pregnant until jogging made your baby fall out???

Here’s the disclaimer for this post:  We really do love our mothers.  And one day we hope to be as wonderful and annoying to our children as they are to us.

Growing up, we were clueless so we looked up to our mothers for comfort and advice.  Somehow, mom always knew what to say to set things right. And if she didn’t have the right words, she would inevitably offer food as a means of comfort.  Later on as teenagers, we continued to listen to our moms, perhaps partially out of habit, even though we didn’t always like what they had to say.  Still they were often right when our juvenile emotions led to stupidity.

Then – you get older and you grow a brain and start to think for yourself.  Suddenly, Mommy’s words of wisdom are sometimes not as “Money” as they used to be.  You realize although she was the master of life advice when you were 10, some of the pearls now offered are a little out of date.  In addition you realize much of her advice is not quite based on scientific fact and be may coming from an alternate universe (or from early onset dementia).  This realization is further amplified when you grow up to be a doctor and your mother tries to give you medical advice that she swears is the cure for all your body’s problems.

But nonetheless we are good daughters and listen to Mommy’s advice over the phone, and offer our “Yes you’re Right”‘s and “Uh-huh”‘s to them, all the while practicing our eye rolls and make finger guns to our heads on the other end of the line.

Our Mother’s combined have offered us much advice on what we can do to create a fetus or why it’s taking too long to create a fetus.  We’ve decided to share this wealth of advice to all of you so may also employ it in your quest for mommyhood.  And if you’re not trying to be a mommy then share it with your friends who are. Or just share it because it’s hilarity.  These tidbits of love from our Mothers will be read much more enjoyably if you read the below mother statements with an Indian accent…

“This is because you do all that crazy exercising”  (You mean the 20 minutes I do on level 1 on the elliptical is killing my eggs?  Yes I better stop because I hear obesity is good for fertility)

“This is because you don’t take it easy.  You don’t have to go out with your friends for dinner you can stay home and rest”  (Yes, you’re right.  Getting in my car, walking into a restaurant, sitting on my ass and stuffing my face is probably a lot of stress on my uterus). 

“This is because you do all that dieting you should eat more”  (But wait then shouldn’t I go out to dinner with my friends more and eat shitty food?  This is confusing)

“This is because you do too much heavy lifting.  You should stop vacuuming”  (Ummm, ok thanks good idea.  I’ll send you the bill for the cleaning lady)

“Are you sure that the dog isn’t preventing you from getting pregnant.” (Yes the dog must be kicking me in the uterus while I’m not looking.  Better drop him off at the humane society stat.)

“You just need to relax and let it happen”.  (There’s that word again – relax.  YOU RELAX DAMNIT!! )

“You need to stop obsessing about getting pregnant then it will happen”  (But you’ve only been asking for a grandchild since the first day I got married!  You’ve planted the seeds of my obsession!)

“If you do this prayer and do this ceremony then it will happen” (Maybe… but first I gotta find a temple.  Can’t you do it for me Mommy?  And while you’re at it make me some Indian food?  Please?). 

“Next time you need a procedure I’m going to come to the Doctor’s office and I want to talk to him.  And then you have to rest I’m going to stay with you for a week or you come home to our place for a week.”  (OMG NO.  You just told me to relax – this would not happen with this plan. That and I think my doctor will hate me for being trapped in a room with my Mommy answering an hour’s worth of questions I already know the answer to).

God bless our Moms they are so sweet for caring about our uteri.  We love them dearly.  But we’re gonna leave the babymaking and pregnancy advice to our Doctors and the all knowledgeable Google.

Till next time!

Love Authors S & M

Me:  Hi there – what brings you in today?  

Patient:  I feel like I’m having pain “down there” and I feel nauseas and I have heartburn.  Sometimes it feels like there is a ball down there that’s moving around. 

Me in my head:  Yes idiot it’s called being pregnant and your baby is moving. This is a good thing. 

Me:  What number pregnancy is this for you?  How far along are you?

Patient:  Almost 18 weeks. This is my 5th pregnancy…  Hey Doc –  Do you think I’m just feeling all these symptoms because my last 2 pregnancies I smoked pot and didn’t notice these things?

Me in my head:  This bitch is on her 5th pregnancy and I’m working on pregnancy # zero.  My stethoscope is accidentally gonna fly into her face. 

Things That Make Author M Angry: Stupid Patients

This weekend I had a baby tantrum about starting another summer not pregnant (that I know of anyway).  I tortured my husband with the swinging of my emotions and in response he told me that I “need to stop being crazy sometimes”.  When I shot daggers at him and asked him EXACTLY what he was trying to say (because you should never use the word “crazy” around a woman on hormones even if she is being crazy), he clarified and said “I just think you need to stop thinking negatively, we have to take this day by day and be more positive and hope for the best”.

There he was, trying to get me to start my own Silver Linings Playbook.  Sigh, I do hate when he’s right.  A little positivity wouldn’t hurt our process.  So I decided to try put aside my negativity about the fact that I’m starting another summer without a baby on board.

Here’s a list of silver linings on starting another summer without a baby on board:   

1.  I don’t have “Cankles” and thereby can wear my very cute loafers and ballet flats instead of being restricted to stretchy flip flops for 3 months

2.  I don’t have to parade through Chicago’s summer social scene with a killer muffie top (well more than my usual spillage that is). 

3.  I can sit alfresco with a cold beer followed by a margarita followed by a mojito followed by a glass of white wine followed by… well you get the point

4.  I can go to the beach without feeling like I could be used as a flotation device

5.  I can ride my bike or take a jog along the lakefront without worrying about a baby falling out of my vagina

6.  I can continue to pull off wearing those tight ass ankle pants I bought a month ago – another pound or two and those pants would be obsolete, I hear cameltoe is still not in fashion this year.

7.  I can eat CHEESE, any kind of cheese, as horribly unpasteurized as possible and as much of it as I want

8.  Because I’m not pregnant I won’t be forced into being everyone’s designated driver at all the weddings we have to go to this summer.

9.  I won’t have to worry about sweat collecting under my belly and breasts in the heat of the summer and the associated risk of skin fungal infections that can come with such moisture traps.

Sorry – that’s all I’ve got so far.  Couldn’t make it to 10 reasons, because honestly I’d trade in all of the above to be a sweaty, huge, cankle-y, waddling designated driver drinking virgin mojitos inside my air conditioned condo.   But I still hope my hubby is proud of me for all the silver linings I thought of.

And now that I’m done “being positive” I’m off to count the days since my last period.  Toodles!

Love Author M