Archives For family planning

Outside of having the “proper equipment” for babymaking, the other key ingredient to trying to conceive is the obvious…S.E.X. and it’s many synonyms:  Intercourse. Doing the deed. Bumping uglies. Putting some beef in the taco.

Whatever you choose to call it, unless you end up going down the medically-assisted route, this is your only other option to getting knocked up.

So, after months and months of trying to conceive, sometimes it takes a little motivation and inspiration to keep the love alive. No longer does playing footsy during a football game turn into a romp on the couch. Gone are the days when grinding on the dance floor of a club causes you both to rush home to get it on. Well…there might still be a little grinding on the dance floor. But spontaneous sex? Well in the days of babymaking – “spontaneous” requires work and preparation – Setting the mood. Cajoling with dinner. Enticing with some cute undies.

Why all this effort? Because the thing that we are all really trying to achieve is that elusive, plus sign on the pee stick.

Over the many months of trying, Authors S&M and their respective spouses have come up with interesting ways to “keep the love alive”.

1. Author M: Lingerie vs Jerseys (aka, How to convince your husband you’re sexier in sweats)

Because my bedroom attire is flannel pajamas, we negotiated that I buy a pair of sweatpants of my husband’s favorite football team with matching t-shirt.  They ran out of my size so yes – they were both TWO sizes TOO big for me. Whether or not he liked it, this is was the best he was gonna get.  The lingerie to this day continues to collect dust.

2. Author S: “Dance” lessons

Nope, not talking about the Waltz or Bhangra. Not even Salsa or the very sexy Bachata. Somehow I got roped into joining a group of my girlfriends for a striptease class at the local “gym”. It all seemed like good old fashioned clean fun with my friends until the statuesque and very stripper-looking instructor walked in. At one point, I was practically making out with the chair I was using as a prop. How did it go when I pulled out those moves for hubby one night? Picture me accidentally kicking him in the face as I tried to swing my legs around in a “sexy” move.
Clearly, I should leave dancing to the pros.

3. Author M: Booze.

A booze induced altered state of mind is the best aphrodiasic!  CAUTION:  This is a fine science and may backfire especially when you’re the only one drinking (excessively) and your husband comes home to a stinky uncoordinated mess.  Moderation alone and excessiveness together is the key.

4. Author S: Speeches

My husband has a special way of sending off his swimmers into the dark recesses of my uterus. He offers them a speech:

“Men! You will be launching the largest aerial battle in this history of mankind. Mankind — that word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can’t be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. And we will not go quietly into the night!”

Sound vaguely familiar? Think Will Smith and Bill Pullman movie from 1990s. Or, if you know this speech all too well because you ALSO have to hear it around the same time every month, my heart goes out to you.

5. Author M: The Forbidden Fruit

Pretend you’re sleeping, it works every time. 

6. Author S: Game of Thrones

Have you noticed how some of these HBO and Showtime shows are practically like watching porn?! Gone are the days when I have to agree to watch sports so we can cuddle up on the couch. Nothing like watching rampaging half naked men in loin cloths wreak havoc amongst poor village folk to get us in the mood!

So there you have it!!!  If you haven’t found something that works for you now you have some additional ideas to work on 🙂

Till next time!

Love Authors S&M


As mentioned in our last post, after a night out at the local tavern we thought:  why are ovulation strips so freaking annoying?  Who created these stupid things?  All this time spent in the bathroom, wouldn’t it be so much more fun to have your answer presented to you in a more enjoyable format?  Something we as women can all relate to?  So we made a list of our brilliant ideas of something we call our “Ovulation Fun Strips”.

Earlier this week we turned some of our ideas into visuals for your entertainment… as in we drew them out for you… with pen and markers. Yes it’s true – we are 30-something-year-old ladies who sat at a cafe and created “drawrings” of our ideas for 90 minutes, laughing crazily while doing it and disturbing other patrons.  But we’re at peace with this.  And we’re ready to share our genius ideas and our artistic talents.

Idea #1.   Green light means:  GO TIME.

Green light means GO.  Red Light means NO.

Green light means GO. Red Light means NO.

Idea #2:  Watch the Thumbs

Two Thumbs Up for Ovulating.  An unfortunate negative review for Not Ovulating

Two Thumbs Up for Ovulating. An unfortunate negative review for Not Ovulating

Idea #3:  Play the Slots

Ovulating = the Sexytime Jackpot.   Not Ovulating = your prize is a good night's sleep!  Zzzzz

Ovulating = the Sexytime Jackpot.
Not Ovulating = your prize is a good night’s sleep! Zzzzz

Idea #4:  Cannonball!!!

Egg deployed from Cannonball means Ovulating.  Humpty Dumpty on the Right means you're too late.

Egg deployed from Cannonball means Ovulating.
Humpty Dumpty on the Right means sorry, you’re too late.

Idea #5:  Bedtime Activities

Ovulating = Time to get down.  Not Ovulating = Time for catching up on magazines before bed

Ovulating = Time to get down.
Not Ovulating = Time to catch up on magazines before bed

Idea #6 (Our Grand Finale)

Ovulating = Thrusting Hubby.  Not Ovulating = Sad Hubby

Ovulating = Thrusting Hubby.
Not Ovulating = Sad Hubby

If you have some novel ideas to join our new era of ovulation strips let us know!  You can add to the genius by:

A. commenting on this post

B.  posting on our facebook page (, OR

C.   Better yet TWEET us!  We’ll start a trend!  @AuthorsSM #ovulationfunstrips

We hope you enjoyed our artistic talents.  Now all we need is a “loan” for a few million dollars and a factory for our fun strips.

Love Authors S & M