Archives For Pregnancy


October 19, 2013 — 1 Comment

I heard an interesting story the other day.  A friend of mine found out she was pregnant, without much trying even though she is in her mid 30s.  Of course she is relieved and ecstatic that it happened this way – she has numerous friends who have not had it as easy.  Although 99% of people she told were thrilled for her, others decided to give their unsolicited “advice” instead of their congratulations.  One person told her that she should be careful, now she was going to lose a lot of friends because they would be mad and jealous that she got pregnant easily.  Apparently that person had lost some friends that way so assumed my friend would suffer the same fate.  When she announced she was having a boy, another person told her to be careful because people want boys and would be jealous of her fortune.

Here’s what I say:  these people offering her these myths should be careful because they’ve got crappy friends.  As a person who has suffered through the fun of infertility can I say I’m allowed to be jealous?  Absolutely.  Should I say that I have every right to be envious?  Hell yes.  How about that I wish it would have happened that way for me?  Of course!  But she is my friend and has been my friend for years.  So you know what? I am thrilled for her because I don’t wish the journey of infertility treatments on anyone!  I am happy that she was spared and has gotten her miracle.  Of course I joke about my wrath and green eyed thoughts but at the end of the day – that IVF shit sucks, but I can take it so better you not deal with it too if you don’t have to.

Jealousy, envy – they are allowed.  However throwing voodoo thoughts someone’s ways are not going to help me in any way.

That’s my blog post – first one in a million weeks.

Love Author M  


Author M: There go my chances for breakfast, lunch and dinner in bed

It’s been a while since I’ve gone back to my timeline.  Since Author S took the first brave step and told part of her story I thought it was time for me to buck up and do the same.   Can’t be the wuss in this duo of bloggers.  So it’s my turn to suck it up and open up.

So remember my grand plan?  To do the deed once or twice during days 10-20 using the trusty ovulation strips to have our planned oops??  Well if that worked this website would not exist.

We did our do diligence –

Day 1:  get period.

Day 2:  Drink through the disappointment.

Day 10:  Start peeing on ovulation sticks.

Day 10-20:  Do the deed whenever possible.

Day 28:  Pee on pregnancy test…. and cry.  Go back to the beginning.

Day 1:  Get Period.

Those damn Day 1’s kept on coming.  And by early November it had been 10 months since we pulled the goalie and our strategy for an empty net had failed to help us score.  I was 3 weeks away from that big scary age of 35.  And another month gone by that our oops never happened.

Sometimes you just know yourself and your body and I knew my oops wasn’t coming.  No other way to explain it – I just knew I needed an “evaluation”.  I’m no gynecologist but I’m a doctor with access to doctor type materials so I read the guidelines:  the fancy instructions tell you that if you’re less than 35 you should see a fertility specialist after a year of trying.  If you’re over 35 you get some help after 6 months of trying.  Well I was 34.9 years of age so I figured 10 months was ok to at least talk to my Gyne about seeing a specialist and asking some questions.

So one day, as we lay in bed last November I nervously started a conversation with my husband.  Maybe It was time to stop closing our eyes and crossing our fingers hoping and/or planning for that oops.  What if something was wrong?  Usually I’m a spaz and his job is to tell me I’m overreacting.  Except this time he agreed I was right.  I called my OB – time to get the netherlands checked.

Stay tuned – this story is just beginning.

Love Author M

Here’s the disclaimer for this post:  We really do love our mothers.  And one day we hope to be as wonderful and annoying to our children as they are to us.

Growing up, we were clueless so we looked up to our mothers for comfort and advice.  Somehow, mom always knew what to say to set things right. And if she didn’t have the right words, she would inevitably offer food as a means of comfort.  Later on as teenagers, we continued to listen to our moms, perhaps partially out of habit, even though we didn’t always like what they had to say.  Still they were often right when our juvenile emotions led to stupidity.

Then – you get older and you grow a brain and start to think for yourself.  Suddenly, Mommy’s words of wisdom are sometimes not as “Money” as they used to be.  You realize although she was the master of life advice when you were 10, some of the pearls now offered are a little out of date.  In addition you realize much of her advice is not quite based on scientific fact and be may coming from an alternate universe (or from early onset dementia).  This realization is further amplified when you grow up to be a doctor and your mother tries to give you medical advice that she swears is the cure for all your body’s problems.

But nonetheless we are good daughters and listen to Mommy’s advice over the phone, and offer our “Yes you’re Right”‘s and “Uh-huh”‘s to them, all the while practicing our eye rolls and make finger guns to our heads on the other end of the line.

Our Mother’s combined have offered us much advice on what we can do to create a fetus or why it’s taking too long to create a fetus.  We’ve decided to share this wealth of advice to all of you so may also employ it in your quest for mommyhood.  And if you’re not trying to be a mommy then share it with your friends who are. Or just share it because it’s hilarity.  These tidbits of love from our Mothers will be read much more enjoyably if you read the below mother statements with an Indian accent…

“This is because you do all that crazy exercising”  (You mean the 20 minutes I do on level 1 on the elliptical is killing my eggs?  Yes I better stop because I hear obesity is good for fertility)

“This is because you don’t take it easy.  You don’t have to go out with your friends for dinner you can stay home and rest”  (Yes, you’re right.  Getting in my car, walking into a restaurant, sitting on my ass and stuffing my face is probably a lot of stress on my uterus). 

“This is because you do all that dieting you should eat more”  (But wait then shouldn’t I go out to dinner with my friends more and eat shitty food?  This is confusing)

“This is because you do too much heavy lifting.  You should stop vacuuming”  (Ummm, ok thanks good idea.  I’ll send you the bill for the cleaning lady)

“Are you sure that the dog isn’t preventing you from getting pregnant.” (Yes the dog must be kicking me in the uterus while I’m not looking.  Better drop him off at the humane society stat.)

“You just need to relax and let it happen”.  (There’s that word again – relax.  YOU RELAX DAMNIT!! )

“You need to stop obsessing about getting pregnant then it will happen”  (But you’ve only been asking for a grandchild since the first day I got married!  You’ve planted the seeds of my obsession!)

“If you do this prayer and do this ceremony then it will happen” (Maybe… but first I gotta find a temple.  Can’t you do it for me Mommy?  And while you’re at it make me some Indian food?  Please?). 

“Next time you need a procedure I’m going to come to the Doctor’s office and I want to talk to him.  And then you have to rest I’m going to stay with you for a week or you come home to our place for a week.”  (OMG NO.  You just told me to relax – this would not happen with this plan. That and I think my doctor will hate me for being trapped in a room with my Mommy answering an hour’s worth of questions I already know the answer to).

God bless our Moms they are so sweet for caring about our uteri.  We love them dearly.  But we’re gonna leave the babymaking and pregnancy advice to our Doctors and the all knowledgeable Google.

Till next time!

Love Authors S & M

Me:  Hi there – what brings you in today?  

Patient:  I feel like I’m having pain “down there” and I feel nauseas and I have heartburn.  Sometimes it feels like there is a ball down there that’s moving around. 

Me in my head:  Yes idiot it’s called being pregnant and your baby is moving. This is a good thing. 

Me:  What number pregnancy is this for you?  How far along are you?

Patient:  Almost 18 weeks. This is my 5th pregnancy…  Hey Doc –  Do you think I’m just feeling all these symptoms because my last 2 pregnancies I smoked pot and didn’t notice these things?

Me in my head:  This bitch is on her 5th pregnancy and I’m working on pregnancy # zero.  My stethoscope is accidentally gonna fly into her face. 

Things That Make Author M Angry: Stupid Patients

This weekend I had a baby tantrum about starting another summer not pregnant (that I know of anyway).  I tortured my husband with the swinging of my emotions and in response he told me that I “need to stop being crazy sometimes”.  When I shot daggers at him and asked him EXACTLY what he was trying to say (because you should never use the word “crazy” around a woman on hormones even if she is being crazy), he clarified and said “I just think you need to stop thinking negatively, we have to take this day by day and be more positive and hope for the best”.

There he was, trying to get me to start my own Silver Linings Playbook.  Sigh, I do hate when he’s right.  A little positivity wouldn’t hurt our process.  So I decided to try put aside my negativity about the fact that I’m starting another summer without a baby on board.

Here’s a list of silver linings on starting another summer without a baby on board:   

1.  I don’t have “Cankles” and thereby can wear my very cute loafers and ballet flats instead of being restricted to stretchy flip flops for 3 months

2.  I don’t have to parade through Chicago’s summer social scene with a killer muffie top (well more than my usual spillage that is). 

3.  I can sit alfresco with a cold beer followed by a margarita followed by a mojito followed by a glass of white wine followed by… well you get the point

4.  I can go to the beach without feeling like I could be used as a flotation device

5.  I can ride my bike or take a jog along the lakefront without worrying about a baby falling out of my vagina

6.  I can continue to pull off wearing those tight ass ankle pants I bought a month ago – another pound or two and those pants would be obsolete, I hear cameltoe is still not in fashion this year.

7.  I can eat CHEESE, any kind of cheese, as horribly unpasteurized as possible and as much of it as I want

8.  Because I’m not pregnant I won’t be forced into being everyone’s designated driver at all the weddings we have to go to this summer.

9.  I won’t have to worry about sweat collecting under my belly and breasts in the heat of the summer and the associated risk of skin fungal infections that can come with such moisture traps.

Sorry – that’s all I’ve got so far.  Couldn’t make it to 10 reasons, because honestly I’d trade in all of the above to be a sweaty, huge, cankle-y, waddling designated driver drinking virgin mojitos inside my air conditioned condo.   But I still hope my hubby is proud of me for all the silver linings I thought of.

And now that I’m done “being positive” I’m off to count the days since my last period.  Toodles!

Love Author M

Kim Kardhashian’s Feet are Screaming for Flip Flops

As mentioned in our last post, after a night out at the local tavern we thought:  why are ovulation strips so freaking annoying?  Who created these stupid things?  All this time spent in the bathroom, wouldn’t it be so much more fun to have your answer presented to you in a more enjoyable format?  Something we as women can all relate to?  So we made a list of our brilliant ideas of something we call our “Ovulation Fun Strips”.

Earlier this week we turned some of our ideas into visuals for your entertainment… as in we drew them out for you… with pen and markers. Yes it’s true – we are 30-something-year-old ladies who sat at a cafe and created “drawrings” of our ideas for 90 minutes, laughing crazily while doing it and disturbing other patrons.  But we’re at peace with this.  And we’re ready to share our genius ideas and our artistic talents.

Idea #1.   Green light means:  GO TIME.

Green light means GO.  Red Light means NO.

Green light means GO. Red Light means NO.

Idea #2:  Watch the Thumbs

Two Thumbs Up for Ovulating.  An unfortunate negative review for Not Ovulating

Two Thumbs Up for Ovulating. An unfortunate negative review for Not Ovulating

Idea #3:  Play the Slots

Ovulating = the Sexytime Jackpot.   Not Ovulating = your prize is a good night's sleep!  Zzzzz

Ovulating = the Sexytime Jackpot.
Not Ovulating = your prize is a good night’s sleep! Zzzzz

Idea #4:  Cannonball!!!

Egg deployed from Cannonball means Ovulating.  Humpty Dumpty on the Right means you're too late.

Egg deployed from Cannonball means Ovulating.
Humpty Dumpty on the Right means sorry, you’re too late.

Idea #5:  Bedtime Activities

Ovulating = Time to get down.  Not Ovulating = Time for catching up on magazines before bed

Ovulating = Time to get down.
Not Ovulating = Time to catch up on magazines before bed

Idea #6 (Our Grand Finale)

Ovulating = Thrusting Hubby.  Not Ovulating = Sad Hubby

Ovulating = Thrusting Hubby.
Not Ovulating = Sad Hubby

If you have some novel ideas to join our new era of ovulation strips let us know!  You can add to the genius by:

A. commenting on this post

B.  posting on our facebook page (, OR

C.   Better yet TWEET us!  We’ll start a trend!  @AuthorsSM #ovulationfunstrips

We hope you enjoyed our artistic talents.  Now all we need is a “loan” for a few million dollars and a factory for our fun strips.

Love Authors S & M

Last summer, the two of us ladies sat around bitching at our favorite tavern about the enigma and ridiculousness of the dreaded… ovulation strip.  There have been so many days that the both of us spent either:

A.  Climbing on top of the bathroom counter trying to hold up sticks under a light source, imagining there is a second line

B.  Getting the strip so close to your face your nose is almost touching your own urine, squinting and trying to hallucinate a faint second line


C. If you’re using the ClearBlue Easy then you’re peeing on an expensive stick day after day waiting for that sadistic smiley face to tell you it’s game time. (Much thanks to our follower sloughing uterus for the below picture and a nauseating reminder of how much we hate that F*@king smiley face)


We thought to ourselves – there has got to be a better way.  Something more… obvious.  Something that our brains could understand better.  Something more… entertaining…. so we thought of a new era of ovulation strips.  If we’re gonna spend minutes of our lives peeing on a stick and waiting for a sign, why not make it entertaining.

And we’re finally ready to share our genius – tomorrow not today 🙂

Stay tuned peeps!

Love Authors S & M

A Nice “Light” Read on Your Baby Future